Diaries Of a Dirty Open Mic-er - Oct

Since I released the September edition of the blog, I have received a lot of kind comments about it generally, and I’d just like to say thank you to anybody who reads. It is meant to be my honest feelings on what it’s like to be an open mic’er, and it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows! It’s amazing; I love it. Even when I know I’m bad, I love it. But sometimes I am bad, and it is bad.

It’s a strange thing with comedians, too. Sometimes we are bad, and when you see another comedian bomb, it really changes your view of them. I guess that makes sense because you really are only as good as your last gig. Nobody cares that you brought the house down six weeks ago in a room full of your friends and family. They care about what you did right there and then. And if you fail to make people laugh—even though it has happened to every comedian out there—you will be judged for it!

Despite the differences in crowds and so on, there are many subjective things that can cause a change in performance. But I feel like the art of it is to push past the subjective and make it objectively funny—to be undeniable! That’s a dream, of course, because humor comes in all shapes and sizes. People enjoy certain things that others don’t, but it’s something to strive for, even though it may be an unattainable goal. Moving toward it is better than remaining stuck in the mindset of “oh, it just wasn’t my audience.”

The art of comedy is an interesting thing; it almost seems a bit wanky to call it an art, especially when it’s mostly jokes about shit and dicks (in my case, anyway). But then I see what is considered modern art, and I think that perhaps calling it an art isn’t so far-fetched after all. Comedy is a creative outlet by which we try to create a very specific response. It’s great if they love you, okay if they hate you, but horrible if they are indifferent to your jokes.

There are crowds that want to be spoken to, and there are crowds just there to hear jokes. Hopefully, as comedians get better, they realize which type of crowd they have in front of them. The laughter is the main thing, but as someone who takes a lot of time trying to come up with jokes, going into a crowd that only wants to have a conversation can be frustrating.

There is great utility and skill in being able to converse with the crowd and have a good back-and-forth. It’s why a good MC is such an amazing thing and can really make the night for everyone! You should be able to do both, in my opinion—be an MC and be a comedian. You can be better at one than the other, but you should be able to do both.

There is also great beauty in watching a seasoned comedian transform an audience that nobody knows what they want—from formless wet clay into a beautiful pot ready for the kiln. Almost as if they aren’t pandering to the audience at all, they come in and shape them and say, “No, this is what’s happening, and you’re going to like it,” and they all collectively agree. I’ve seen a few comics do that in rooms I thought were unplayable, and I thought to myself, “This power, I need it… I must have it.” So now I spend my days scrambling after it like Professor Quirrell after the Philosopher's Stone in the first Harry Potter book.

Gigs

Again, I am writing this late in the month, and there are a lot of gigs I can’t remember, which might also mean that there is a smaller “kiss-ass” section, as I can’t remember a lot of people I have gigged with over the last few gigs. Most of the time, I come away from a gig and just forget all about it, as I am ready to go to the next one. That’s one of the things about only being as good as your last gig. If you gig a lot, you aren’t very good or very bad for very long, and if you are, then maybe there is an issue.

11 gigs this month:

The Attic, Southampton – It went surprisingly well! Got some good laughs from a pretty honest crowd. Its a good venue

The Swan, Farnborough – Another one that went surprisingly well. Had a bit of back-and-forth with the MC, which I think made it because most people had a tough night up until that point!

The Snug – This was a very quiet night, but I managed to wrangle a couple of new people from downstairs to come up and watch, and we ended up having a lovely evening. Really very enjoyable.

Ashley Cross – Lovely night with a really up-for-it crowd packed into a tiny room up the stairs! It was definitely a fire hazard! New material went down really well, so I was happy.

Ding Dong Gong – It’s a competition in London. I got through, got a special mention but didn’t win, so to be fair, I don’t know what any of it was for. I was so flipping nervous for this, and I don’t even know why. I’ve performed in bigger rooms for more people. I think I wanted to win. But I didn’t, so now I will never perform again!

The Swan, again – Went really well again, which honestly hasn’t happened for quite some time at The Swan, so I am seriously confused as to why it’s gone so well recently. But it went well, and I was happy.

Leamington Spa – Died a horrible, horrible death! Made worse by the fact that it was the same night I ran the Belgium and Blues gig, and everybody at that gig apparently crushed it! And it’s only a 30-minute drive! Leamington Spa was a 5-hour round trip to bomb for 10 minutes. It was painful! Particularly painful because I had been doing so well recently. Comedy is like watching England football play in a tournament. You try to stay humble, but after a couple of wins, you think to yourself, “Fuck, it’s coming home,” then jump on the bandwagon only to lose and hate everyone and everything!

The Snug – I was the MC and bombed again. God, it was a difficult night! Painfulllllllllllll!

Fareham – Absolutely crushhhhhhhhheeeeeddddd it! What a night. Everybody had a great gig! It was a brilliant night with a crowd that was seriously up for a good laugh! No mic or PA, which at first felt a little weird, but the crowd was so nice it didn’t even matter.

That’s the end. Unfortunately, I had some gigs booked but had to cancel because I got the flu or some sort of bullshit illness. A short blog, by the looks of things, especially as I have been unable to perform as much as I would like, and I can barely remember any of the comedians I saw, so I can’t do a “kiss-ass” section, unfortunately.

Comedy Beefs

I FUCKING LOVE THEM!

They are amazing! The same way that watching a bullfighter get absolutely fucked up in a slow-motion video is amazing. The more they escalate, the better. It adds drama to the whole scene, and many of us thank anybody that gets into a beef for it.

I wouldn’t enter one myself because I don’t want to be in the drama, and I am in no way interested in beefing with somebody. The only people I am mean to or disagree with are people I like! And honestly, that is what they deserve for deciding to be my friends!

The thing I love about the beefs, too, is that they rarely matter. One person feels wronged for one reason or another, and they could just directly message the other person and see it out to a close in private, but they do it for the world (Facebook) to see—and GOD BLESS THEM FOR IT!

If anybody reading this isn’t an aspiring stand-up comedian, I would suggest joining all the forums just for the beefs; they come up much more often than you would assume. Unless you assumed every couple of weeks or so and then you would be bang on the money and if you assumed every other day then, i was wrong they dont happen more than you assume.

I am not alone in this. Everybody loves it! After a good beef, it is all we can talk about for the next couple of days while we discuss and pick sides without anyone from the beef actually knowing. It’s a wonderfully Game of Thrones thing, but instead of the stakes being the rule of the seven kingdoms, it’s about a tiny, low-stakes open mic night—which you might think sounds pathetic… and it is. But the fact that it’s so pathetic is what makes it all the juicier.

Anyway, thanks for reading, people! Like, review, sub, and all that jazz. Or don’t… till next time!